My Loony Bun is Fine Benny Lava

You just to need to see it. Very few thinks are so nearly perfect in life as this.

Mandy Blank, Lynndie England, Amy Cohen (Old Maid) And You’re Still Looking for the Naked Sarah Palin Painting

Wassup, my homefries? Well, lemme lay it down for ya.

You're suddenly interested in Lynndie England again. I can guess why.

You're also lookin' all around for Mandy Blank. I definitely know what's up there.

Mandy Blank. She's buff, ain't she? No Sarah Palin, tho.

You're also still looking for that nude Sarah Palin painting. You nasty Internets, you. And it's an ugly painting, too.

Is this the Amy Cohen you pipples are looking for? Mostly crusty old maids doing this search, I'm guessing.

This is Amy Cohen. She's an old maid, and says that's just how she likes it.

Is it just me, or does she look like Lisa Kudrow's less attractive older sister?

Yeah, Lisa Kudrow's a whole lot cuter. Sorta the same mouth, tho.

You're also all about Tony Mandarich. Cuz he did steroids. But, of course, it's football again. What's it with you Internets and footballs? Yawning. Lots.

Here's Tony. Yeah, he did steroids. Shock!

You Nasty Internets! Nude Sarah Palin Paintings? Puh-leeese.

Right now, everybody is looking for Tara Grinstead. Maybe this was why the poor Amber alert girl was a meme yesterday. Though Tara is apparently a lot older. Also, she's been missing since 2005. That's usually not a good sign, but I hope they find her.

This is Tara:

Tara Grinstead is missing. Apparently, she's a popular meme today. Maybe that means they've found something out. Hope it's good news, but I don't know yet.

Why are you so interested in Windsteam Email? Must've been a news story I missed. I do that a lot, apparently.

I'm not showing the badly painted nude portrait of Sarah Palin at the Old Towne Ale House in Chicago. An Obama supporter painted it . . . and had his daughter pose nude for the really bad painting. Ewww. Just, ewww. You Internets, why are you so interested in that?

UPDATE: Much Better Picture of a Nude Sarah Palin Here. Definitely NOT SAFE FOR WORK!

Like Dan Rather might say: Fake, but accurate.

The rest is all sports peoples and things like the mark to market definition. Haven't you figured that out yet?

It's Morning (of Doom!) In America. We're Talking HR 7175 Here. And the Vril Society. Oooo, Scary, Internets

What, nobody cares about hot chicks on the Inter-Tubes in the morning? But you're still all into the Vril Society?

Okay, weirdos. Whatever.

Your priorities are all mess up. Just saying.

The Pelosi speech I guess I can see why you all keep looking for it. Even The Guardian over there in Old Britania is more busy writing about that the Princess Charles latest hairstyle.

But HR 3997? Isn't that awfully wonky, political-geeky for you? And look at you! Also big into HR 7175. What the heck is that? On Motion to Suspend the Rules and PassSmall Business Financing Improvements Act of 2008, that's what The Google is telling me. That doesn't sound promising. Apparently, I can find out how the people voted, but not what it all means. And I guess that's why you're looking for it, too. Well, sorry, Internets, but we're on the same boat this time.

Go look for it on THOMAS. Maybe it will get there. If the government isn't trying to hide something.

You are all still on about the Terrell Owens controversy, whatever it is. Why do you people care so much about the football? You're suppose to care about computer geekery and women who dress like elves and superhero chicks. In fact, here's seventeen girls dressed up like Supergirl. That's what you Internets are supposed to be looking at, not HR 666 and Terrell "The Boring Football Guy" Owens or Nancy "The Blabber" Pelosi speeches. Jeeze, you people.

Is She Not Like the Hottest Supergirl Ever. I Love Her. This is What You Internets Ought To Be All About This Morning. Not Nancy-frumpin-Pelosi. Sheesh.

Other stuff you're all about this morning? Bailout Vote! Bailout Fail! Bailout Bill! The economy is crashing. What you gonna do? Nothing. Look at the Supergirl up there. That's all you got, Internets. That's all you got now.

You Internets Is So Crazy, Seriously

Suddenly a big deal? Amber Hagerman. She of the Amber Alert. Man, that is a tragic story. But why the sudden interest? Could it have something to do with Kelsey Peterson? You know, the teacher who recently "ran away" with her 13 year old lover?

Seriously, where were these chicks when I was growing up? I knew guys who fantasized about it, but it never happened. Why are these teacher chicks so crazy now? I blame the Internets. All sorts of stuff has gone crazy since the Internets.

Speaking of the fantasies, all-of-the-sudden-like all of you are interested in Sarah Shahi. Can't say that I'm blaming you.

You guys are all interested in the Sarah Shahi tonight? Yes, she is quite lovely.

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You weirdos really want to know about the Vril Society. Why? Doesn't look like you ever cared about it before. Somehow, I'm sure there's some sort of leftist kook conspiracy crap at the bottom of this one. I'm sure I'll be delighted to learn the awful truth of it.

But on the Inter-Tubes tonight is . . . uh, ArginMax. Well, you cheeky little devils. Wanting to boost the girlfriend or wife's sex drive, presumably by hiding some ArginMax in that killer Kung Pao you're fixing her up. Well, best of luck with that. Unless the woman is already a bit randy, she's not likely to be taking that stuff voluntarily--she don't miss her sex drive, you do, you horny bastard. You selfish horny bastard. Best of luck hiding it in her food, like a fellow trying to feed a heartworm pill to a stubborn pooch. Yeah, I know what you're up to, you crazy Internets. I know you cold.

Sarah Shahi is not interested in eating your brownies you made her special. Trust me.

In addition to trying a slip a little Spanish Fly to your womenfolk, you people are all a tizzy over John Harbaugh.

Seriously, what is up with you Internets peoples and the football? I'm lost. That's what I mean when I'm saying you're crazy. It just ain't that interesting. Is it? I'm reading about the Harbaugh now, who I had never heard of, and I'm getting sleepy.

You are also all crazy like over The Gilliand Ranch, because it's about UFOs and stuff. That's my Art Bell, Coast-to-Coast AM late night freakies I'm expecting from the Internets this time of night.

Youse guys is also very interesting in mark-to-market accounting. Look, it ain't that complicated. It means companies have to say something is worth what is actually worth that day instead of what it might be worth at some point down the road. There are good reasons for this, many stemming from the Enron scandal (thanks to Sarbanes-Oxley, the problem is mark-to-market is making accurate valuations of certain financial instruments very tough, thus contributing the current financial crisis . . . you know, maybe it is more complicated than I was thinking. Look it up on the Wikipedia. They know everything there!

Also look up commercial paper there, in case you were wondering about that.

Here's Sarah Shahi again:





Yes, this was necessary. Very, very necessary. No, I'm not the one doing all the Internet Searchings for Shahi tonight. But I understand why it's happening. I understand very well.

[/caption]

You're interested in Life TV right now? And why? No, don't tell me, you never make sense anyway.

Heather Locklear: 47 Years Old, on Drugs, Arrested, No Makeup, Been Crying and . . . Still Looks Way Better Than You

Speaking of TV, no love on the Internets for Heather Locklear and her mugshot? Are you just jealous that she's 47, high, been out partying all night, just got busted, is getting her mugshot made by the friendly LA police people, and she looks better than you do after spending a day at the salon? Yeah, well, sorry, but she does. And that's just the ugly truth of it, Internets.

But you do like 17 Kids and Counting. Good for you. I prefer Jon and Kate Plus Eight.

More in five minutes. Be more patient, Internets.

Ray Lewis, Haruki Nakamura, and the Kim Kardashian Mambo

I'm posting these on my Wordpress blog, thought I'd post it here, too. So here it is:

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Whassup, Peoples?

Right now, the big meme seems to be Ray Lewis. Why? Because the world likes football more than I do.

People also seems suddenly very interested in The Kim Kardashian Mambo.

Who is Haruki Nakamura? More football? What's wrong with you internet peoples? Football, football, and more football.

The Pelosi speech regarding the bailout is still a big deal. Why? Do you people really think she has something useful, relevant, or remotely interesting to say? Boy, I've got more I could say about that, but I gotta put the kids and then myself to bed. One day, I will truly tell you whassup with dat.

Apparently, all you football loving, Kim Kardashian watching folks also want Nancy Pelosi's email address, too. I hope you're emailing her that you plan to fire her come November, because whatever we got instead, it'd be better than what we got right now. True, dat. Double true.

Who is Glen McDuffie?

I ask, because it's apparently a big search term all of a sudden, yet I can see no reason for it. Oh, he's just claiming that sailor in that famous "kiss" photo, although he's apparently not the only one to claim such a thing.

Well, he's old now. Looks like he could use some walkers or some rollators. I happen to work for a company that sells them, thus the connection.

Then there's Kelsey Peterson, who apparently a 25 year old teacher from Lexington, Nebraska who has kidnapped a 13 year old student she's been having sex with. Where were those kinds of teachers when I was a kid? So, when he's middle-aged, she's gonna need a wheelchair (hah, there's that connection again, get it?). Although there's some pretty darned cool wheelchairs out there. I wouldn't mind one like that.

So what is Terrell Owens saying? Actually, I just don't care.

I'm guessing he doesn't need a Nano-Neb Portable Nebulizer. I'm betting that, by now, you're beginning to see a pattern.

Is Eisenstaedt big news? As in Alfred Eisenstaedt? Really? Why? Oh, he also claims to be the guy in the famous Life Magazine picture. Jeeze. The things that become internet memes.

You know what never seems to become an internet meme? Lymphedema Garments. I'm just saying.

Alexei Ramirez is also big news right now. Good for him.

I'd just be happy if somebody were talking about the great deals that DME (the company I work for) offers on Ostomy products, skin barriers, 1- and 2-piece drainable and closed bags, supports, faceplates and more.

Also, big right now apparently is Stills Disease. That's this hour, I'm sure it will change, you fickle internet folk. And while I can't promise to cure Stills Disease, I can recommend some excellent pain management for arthritis pain and ambulatory products to help the arthritic get around.

Look, the economy is crashing around us (can you say roll call bailout vote), and I gotta make a living. And that's what I'm trying to do.

Help me out, folks. Buy something.