You Internets Is So Crazy, Seriously

Suddenly a big deal? Amber Hagerman. She of the Amber Alert. Man, that is a tragic story. But why the sudden interest? Could it have something to do with Kelsey Peterson? You know, the teacher who recently "ran away" with her 13 year old lover?

Seriously, where were these chicks when I was growing up? I knew guys who fantasized about it, but it never happened. Why are these teacher chicks so crazy now? I blame the Internets. All sorts of stuff has gone crazy since the Internets.

Speaking of the fantasies, all-of-the-sudden-like all of you are interested in Sarah Shahi. Can't say that I'm blaming you.

You guys are all interested in the Sarah Shahi tonight? Yes, she is quite lovely.

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You weirdos really want to know about the Vril Society. Why? Doesn't look like you ever cared about it before. Somehow, I'm sure there's some sort of leftist kook conspiracy crap at the bottom of this one. I'm sure I'll be delighted to learn the awful truth of it.

But on the Inter-Tubes tonight is . . . uh, ArginMax. Well, you cheeky little devils. Wanting to boost the girlfriend or wife's sex drive, presumably by hiding some ArginMax in that killer Kung Pao you're fixing her up. Well, best of luck with that. Unless the woman is already a bit randy, she's not likely to be taking that stuff voluntarily--she don't miss her sex drive, you do, you horny bastard. You selfish horny bastard. Best of luck hiding it in her food, like a fellow trying to feed a heartworm pill to a stubborn pooch. Yeah, I know what you're up to, you crazy Internets. I know you cold.

Sarah Shahi is not interested in eating your brownies you made her special. Trust me.

In addition to trying a slip a little Spanish Fly to your womenfolk, you people are all a tizzy over John Harbaugh.

Seriously, what is up with you Internets peoples and the football? I'm lost. That's what I mean when I'm saying you're crazy. It just ain't that interesting. Is it? I'm reading about the Harbaugh now, who I had never heard of, and I'm getting sleepy.

You are also all crazy like over The Gilliand Ranch, because it's about UFOs and stuff. That's my Art Bell, Coast-to-Coast AM late night freakies I'm expecting from the Internets this time of night.

Youse guys is also very interesting in mark-to-market accounting. Look, it ain't that complicated. It means companies have to say something is worth what is actually worth that day instead of what it might be worth at some point down the road. There are good reasons for this, many stemming from the Enron scandal (thanks to Sarbanes-Oxley, the problem is mark-to-market is making accurate valuations of certain financial instruments very tough, thus contributing the current financial crisis . . . you know, maybe it is more complicated than I was thinking. Look it up on the Wikipedia. They know everything there!

Also look up commercial paper there, in case you were wondering about that.

Here's Sarah Shahi again:





Yes, this was necessary. Very, very necessary. No, I'm not the one doing all the Internet Searchings for Shahi tonight. But I understand why it's happening. I understand very well.

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You're interested in Life TV right now? And why? No, don't tell me, you never make sense anyway.

Heather Locklear: 47 Years Old, on Drugs, Arrested, No Makeup, Been Crying and . . . Still Looks Way Better Than You

Speaking of TV, no love on the Internets for Heather Locklear and her mugshot? Are you just jealous that she's 47, high, been out partying all night, just got busted, is getting her mugshot made by the friendly LA police people, and she looks better than you do after spending a day at the salon? Yeah, well, sorry, but she does. And that's just the ugly truth of it, Internets.

But you do like 17 Kids and Counting. Good for you. I prefer Jon and Kate Plus Eight.

More in five minutes. Be more patient, Internets.

Who is Glen McDuffie?

I ask, because it's apparently a big search term all of a sudden, yet I can see no reason for it. Oh, he's just claiming that sailor in that famous "kiss" photo, although he's apparently not the only one to claim such a thing.

Well, he's old now. Looks like he could use some walkers or some rollators. I happen to work for a company that sells them, thus the connection.

Then there's Kelsey Peterson, who apparently a 25 year old teacher from Lexington, Nebraska who has kidnapped a 13 year old student she's been having sex with. Where were those kinds of teachers when I was a kid? So, when he's middle-aged, she's gonna need a wheelchair (hah, there's that connection again, get it?). Although there's some pretty darned cool wheelchairs out there. I wouldn't mind one like that.

So what is Terrell Owens saying? Actually, I just don't care.

I'm guessing he doesn't need a Nano-Neb Portable Nebulizer. I'm betting that, by now, you're beginning to see a pattern.

Is Eisenstaedt big news? As in Alfred Eisenstaedt? Really? Why? Oh, he also claims to be the guy in the famous Life Magazine picture. Jeeze. The things that become internet memes.

You know what never seems to become an internet meme? Lymphedema Garments. I'm just saying.

Alexei Ramirez is also big news right now. Good for him.

I'd just be happy if somebody were talking about the great deals that DME (the company I work for) offers on Ostomy products, skin barriers, 1- and 2-piece drainable and closed bags, supports, faceplates and more.

Also, big right now apparently is Stills Disease. That's this hour, I'm sure it will change, you fickle internet folk. And while I can't promise to cure Stills Disease, I can recommend some excellent pain management for arthritis pain and ambulatory products to help the arthritic get around.

Look, the economy is crashing around us (can you say roll call bailout vote), and I gotta make a living. And that's what I'm trying to do.

Help me out, folks. Buy something.