Here's the original, as recently posted to a mailing list I'm on. You may have seen it, too.
Joe gets up at 6:00 a.m. and fills his coffeepot with water to prepare his morning coffee. The water is clean and good because some tree-hugging liberal fought for minimum water-quality standards. With his first swallow of coffee, he takes his daily medication. His medications are safe to take because some stupid commie liberal fought to insure their safety and that they work as advertised.Now, here's my revision, to make it just a little more accurate:
All but $10 of his medications are paid for by his employer's medical plan because some liberal union workers fought their employers for paid medical insurance - now Joe gets it too. He prepares his morning breakfast, bacon and eggs. Joe's bacon is safe to eat because some girly-man liberal fought for laws to regulate the meat packing industry.
In the morning shower, Joe reaches for his shampoo. His bottle is properly labeled with each ingredient and its amount in the total contents because some cry baby liberal fought for his right to know what he was putting on his body and how much it contained.
Joe dresses, walks outside, and takes a deep breath. The air he breathes is clean, because some environmentalist wacko liberal fought for laws to stop industries from polluting our air. He walks to the subway station for his government-subsidized ride to work. It saves him considerable money in parking and transportation fees because some fancy-pants liberal fought for affordable public transportation, which gives everyone the opportunity to be a contributor.
Joe begins his work day. He has a good job with excellent pay, medical benefits, retirement, paid holidays, and vacation because some lazy liberal union members fought and died for these working standards. Joe's employer pays these standards because Joe's employer doesn't want his employees to call the union. If Joe is hurt on the job or becomes unemployed, he'll get a worker compensation or unemployment check, because some stupid liberal didn't think he should lose his home or go hungry because of his temporary misfortune.
It's noontime, and Joe needs to make a bank deposit so he can pay some bills. Joe's deposit is federally insured by the FSLIC because some godless liberal wanted to protect Joe's money from unscrupulous bankers who ruined the banking system before the Great Depression.
Joe has to pay his Fannie Mae-underwritten mortgage and his below-market federal student loan, because some elitist liberal decided that Joe and the government would be better off if he was educated and earned more money over his lifetime.
Joe is home from work. He plans to visit his father this evening at his farm home in the country. He gets in his car for the drive. His car is among the safest in the world, because some American-hating liberal fought for car safety standards. He arrives at his boyhood home. His was the third generation to live in the house financed by Farmers' Home Administration, because bankers didn't want to make rural loans. The house didn't have electricity until some big-government liberal stuck his nose where it didn't belong and demanded rural electrification.
He is happy to see his father, who is now retired. His father lives on Social Security and a union pension, because some wine-drinking, cheese-eating liberal made sure he could take care of himself so Joe wouldn't have to.
Joe gets back in his car for the ride home, and turns on a radio talk show. The radio host keeps saying that liberals are bad and conservatives are good. He doesn't mention that the beloved republicans have fought against every protection and benefit Joe enjoys throughout his day.
Joe agrees: "We don't need those big-government liberals ruining our lives! After all, I'm a self-made man who believes everyone should take care of themselves, just like I have."
Joe gets up at 6:00 a.m. and fills his coffeepot with water to prepare his morning coffee. The water is clean, in part because of the Clean Water Act of 1972 and the Safe Drinking Water Act of 1974, both sponsored and signed by Evil Republican Richard Nixon. It's also possible, Joe allows, that work done by the Environmental Protection Agency over the past thirty years has also possibly helped. Turns out, the EPA was created by Evil Republican Richard Nixon, as well. It also turns out that sewage treatment and water processing that keeps the water clean, healthy, and fluoridated (good for his teeth!) is that way because of work done on the local level by Democrat and Republican politicians and even some people who consider themselves politically independent, and that local standards were in fact increased over the national level because of work done by conservation group that is largely peopled with churchgoing conservatives.There ya go! Feel free to pass it around, if you see the mistaken liberal version. And have a great day!
It turns out that the water for his coffee does cost three times more than it needs to, because some well-meaning liberals discovered that concentrations of arsenic of levels nearly a million times what was actually present in the water supply made some snail darters pale and sluggish, and were immediately sure that, despite the fact 3-parts-per-trillion arsenic had not caused any discernible health problems in the whole of human history, legislation needed to be immediately passed to filter out any dangerous-sounding trace mineral at any level, cost be damned, because, "how can we put a price on our children's lives?"
Well, with his first swallow of coffee, he takes his daily medication. His medications don't work as well as the one's he used to take, because a well-meaning consumer-advocacy group fought to take the more effective drug off the market, because 1-in-100,000 people had a fatal allergic reaction to it. Fortunately, this drug is safe and he can rely on it's contents, in part because of the Food and Drug Administration, a government bureau that started with the Bureau of Chemistry, started by the first Evil Republican, Abraham Lincoln, and was altered, supported, and strengthened over the years by Democrats, Republicans (And a Bull Moose), conservatives and liberals. Since liberals believe, for some reason that apparently cannot withstand the withering scrutiny of applied logic, that they are the only people that like safe medicine or clean air and water, they tend to forget most of that history. In addition to expanding the powers of the FDA, establishing the procedure of reviewing Over-The-Counter drugs, establishing the National Center of Toxicological Research, and moving the regulation of biologics (including serums, vaccines, and blood products) to the FDA, Evil Republican Richard Nixon called for the reviews of the FDA's GRAS list, which led to the lifting of the ban on saccharine.
Oh, and let's not forget the tamper-resistant packaging regulations, the Orphan Drug Act (for the FDA to promote research and marketing of drugs for rare diseases), the heavy increase of fines and penalties for all federal offenses (which includes violations of FDA regulations), the approval of the AIDS blood test, the Childhood Vaccine Act, the Food and Drug Administration Act, and the Prescription Drug Marketing Act, all authored by Democrats and Republicans and signed by the Evilest Republican of them All, Ronald Reagan (when he wasn't busy stealing food from poor people and dancing on the backs of AIDS victims). So, Joe's helped out there, too.
All but $10 of his medications are paid for by his employer's medical plan, because his employer was finding it difficult to attract qualified applicants without providing a comprehensive health plan and so, in order to compete for quality employees, his employer started offering a a very good health plan, from a private insurer. However, the truth is, since the health plan is part of the cost of employing Joe, nobody but Joe is really paying for his health plan--he just doesn't ever see the money. While his employer his eligible for better overall benefits because the employer employs many workers, if Joe had the money his employer spent on his membership in the healthplan in his pocket, Joe could still afford more than adequate health care (but not such a good dental plan), but he probably wouldn't because he'd spend the money at the dog track, because Joe has some issues with gambling (that, unfortunately, aren't qualified for treatment under his healthplan).
He prepares his morning breakfast, bacon and eggs. Joe's bacon is safe to eat, aside from the cholesterol and fat and salt content, which is bad for his health, and a consortium of liberals and trial lawyers is busy, even as he stuff his face, working to allow Joe to sue Jimmy Dean and Oscar Myer for selling him fatty foods without warning him that eating bacon is not as healthy as eating broccoli. Still, to the degree the bacon is safe (although bacon has always been pretty safe, because the heavy salt content acts as a preservative and kills most molds and bacterias), it is safe because people of all political stripes fought for laws to regulate the meat packing industry. As time passed, liberals began to believe that only they liked safe meat, and that for some reasons conservatives enjoyed eating tainted pork that could make them sick and die. However, Joe, and most conservatives, don't actually like tainted meat. They like fresh, safe meat. Although some well-meaning liberals did douse Joe with red paint the last time he went to the butcher shop.
In the morning shower, Joe reaches for his shampoo. His bottle is properly labeled with each ingredient and its amount in the total contents because various Democrats and Republicans (and perhaps even a few apolitical folk) fought for his right to know what he was putting on his body and how much it contained. Though, for some reason, as time went on, liberals convinced themselves that they were the only people who wanted to know what was actually in the products they consumed.
Joe dresses, walks outside, and takes a deep breath. The air he breathes is clean, in part because he's a rich Republican and moved out past the suburbs to a almost rural area, leaving the poor and disenfranchised to choke in the dying cities. However, the air is also clean because many state and local governments, made up of liberals and conservatives, Democrats and Republicans, had passed legislation dealing with air pollution because of the needs of their citizens in their localities. Then, both Democrats and Republicans in congress Passed the Air Pollution Control Act of 1955, the first federal legislation regarding air pollution, and it was signed by less-Evil-But-Still-Slow-and-Stupid Republican, Dwight D. Eisenhower. Eight years later, Democrats and Republicans in congress passed the Air Act of 1963, which began imposing regulations on factories, but not automobiles. The Act was strengthened through amendments, authored by both Democrats and Republicans, in 1965,1966,1967, and 1969, under both Johnson and Nixon.
Then there was the Clean Air Act of 1970, authored by Democrats and Republicans, with the blessing of Prime-Evil, Richard Nixon. Thankfully (for conservatives everywhere) all this crazy air cleaning stuff stopped, and Ronald Reagan pinned pollution problems squarely where they belonged: on the trees.
Alas, Better-Than-His-Son-But-Still-Evil-Republican George H.W. Bush signed off on the Clean Air Act of 1990, which has demonstrably improved air quality. So, Joe is glad he voted for Bush I.
To do his part, Joe doesn't drive the Hummer to work today. Instead, he walks to the subway station for his government-subsidized ride to work. While some liberals say that it saves him considerable money in parking and transportation fees, Joe knows that the government doesn't get it's money from the money-fairy, they get their money from his back pocket, and quite a lot. Since he's a rich Republican, and earns a good income, they take enough out of his paycheck each year to pay his house note. So Joe knows that "government-subsidized" actually means "Joe-subsidized", because there ain't no free lunch.
Joe begins his work day. He has a good job with excellent pay, medical benefits, retirement, paid holidays, and vacation because Joe is a talented guy who worked hard for his skills, and right now his abilities are in demand, and if his employer wasn't offering such an attractive package, he'd have taken that job offer from the firm in Syracuse, which was otherwise similar but didn't offer as much vacation in the first year.
Joe's employer offers these benefits because Joe's employer doesn't want Joe to quit for a better job. If Joe is hurt on the job or becomes unemployed, he'll get a worker compensation or unemployment check, because both liberals and conservatives, both Democrats and Republicans, didn't think he should lose his home or go hungry because of his temporary misfortune, especially as the overall economy grew, thanks to the free market, and allowed such safety nets to be constructed. Such things benefit everybody, which is why most people support such things, within reason, and on-budget. As time goes on, liberals decided that only they wanted people to be able to keep their homes or eat a square meal or see a doctor or have a decent job, somehow becoming convinced that conservatives and Republicans didn't like good jobs, medical treatment, safe food, clean water, and breathable air. From that point forward, liberals made all their arguments, and ran most political campaigns, against easy-to-defeat straw men that didn't really represent what most Republicans and conservatives advocated and supported. This makes Joe smile as he does his work, because he knows it's going to keep conservatives and Republicans in office for a long time to come.
It's noontime, and Joe needs to make a bank deposit so he can pay some bills. While Joe's deposit hasn't actually been federally insured by the FSLIC since 1989, when it was replaced by the SAIF, under the FDIC, it is federally insured, by legislation in which both Democrats and Republicans have had a hand in over the years, because both Democrats and Republicans wanted to protect Joe's money from unscrupulous bankers(and problems created by well-intentioned banking regulations that not only allowed, but in some ways encouraged, bankers to do foolish things with the money in their banks) that ruined the banking system before the Great Depression.
If Joe weren't a rich Republican, he might have to pay his Fannie Mae-underwritten mortgage (which means, largely underwritten by the tax-payers, like Rich Republican Joe and his ilk) and his below-market federal student loan (and also state financial aid) because many Republicans and Democrats decided that Joe and the government would be better off if he was educated and earned more money over his lifetime. For some reason, many liberals later decided that only they thought education and earning money was a good thing, and that conservatives wanted people to be ignorant, uneducated, and poor.
Now, Joe is home from work. He plans to visit his father this evening at his farm home in the country. He gets in his Hummer for the drive. His car is among the safest in the world, because it was originally designed for the U.S. Army, to help them more effectively kill people and break things, and also meets or exceeds car safety standards established, largely with bi-partisan support, by the U.S. government. He arrives at his boyhood home. His was the third generation to live in the house financed by Farmers' Home Administration, because bankers didn't want to make rural loans, because of the outrageously high default rate that would have eventually put the banks under, and cost the savings of all their other investors. The house didn't have electricity until George Norris, Republican from Nebraska, and Sam Rayburn, Democrat from Texas, authored the Rural Electrification Act. A majority of Republicans voted for the act, but, over time, liberals forgot and gave themselves and the Democrats 100% credit for Rural Electrificaiton.
He is happy to see his father, who is now retired. His father lives on Social Security, which he paid into most of his life and Joe pays into now, and there was a union pension he used to get, because some leg-breaking, scab-shooting union organizer helped make it happen, but modern union management looted the pension for political activism, and bankrupted it, so now all Joe's dad has is Social Security, and Joe, but since Joe is a rich Republican, it's not a problem..
Joe gets back in his car for the ride home, and turns on a radio talk show. The radio host keeps saying that liberals are wrong on most of their contemporary policy efforts and that conservatives are right about theirs, and he also mentioned he is a proud conservative and Republican, unlike the news magazines Joe has on his coffee table and the cable news network Joe watches when he gets home, which tell him that conservatives are bad and liberals are good, and then insist they are proud, non-partisan journalists. So, Joe turns on the talk radio show host again. He doesn't mention that the beloved Republicans have fought against every protection and benefit Joe enjoys throughout his day, because it's both logically absurd on the face of it, without even delving into the empiric evidence, and, when actual facts and history is reviewed, and real names, ideologies, and party affiliations are reported in regards to the acts, efforts, and processes which have afforded Joe the infrastructure of his rich Republican lifestyle, it turns out that trying to give one group credit for everything good that ever happened, and one group blame for everything bad, is not just logically silly, but demonstrably wrong.
Joe agrees: "We don't need those big-government liberals agitating for ever-increasing government control and involvement in every aspect of our lives, without any accountability for results! After all, I'm a self-aware man who believes everyone should take a look at the practical results and consequences of what they do and how they do it, instead of just the 'good intentions'. And I think, when deciding where we're going to go in the future, we should actually look at where we've actually been in the past--not where some people imagine we've been, in a way that makes them the hero, photographed in a noble pose, filmed in soft-focus with symphonic music swelling in the background. I say we look at what actually works, what the actual costs are, and what our priorities are versus our resources, how we're going to hold new programs and bureaucracies accountable for real results, and go from there. And I am a proud conservative!"
Update: Francis Drouillard pointed out the following:
You forgot to mention MTBE, which was thrust upon us by well-intentioned liberals During the Clinton years in collusion with refineries that needed a better way to get rid of one of their byproducts their nasty byproducts. They "forced" the refineries to make regional oxygentated gasoline formulations that used the former byproduct, which not only required more gasoline to drive the same distance, but polluted our water wells as well.
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